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Let's reflect for a moment on all those souls stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.

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A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.

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They finally invented a computer as smart as a person. When it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

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Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga.

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Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my girlfriend threw at me.

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GOOD NEWS: Girls think I have a magical power. BAD NEWS: It’s invisibility.

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Don't tease fat kids, they have enough on their plates.

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Dyslexia turns me no.

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I bought my ex a chair... but the State won't let me plug it in.